How God Drew Me Closer to Him
I believed in God, sure. Did I have an actual relationship with Him? No.
I’ll start this story from when I was 9 years old. Thanks to my mother, I was going to church on a consistent basis. Twice on Sundays and a couple of days out the week. She even arranged for me to go by myself when she had to go to work. It was imperative for her, not so much for me. For one I thought I was too young to really understand spiritual things and number two I could barely understand the sermons due to a language barrier. Two years later, life happens, and we stop going to church. Let’s fast forward to me being a grown adult. About 16 years go by and I never had a home church or even attended periodically. I would get invitations but seldom accepted. You would have to drag me to get me to go to church. I couldn’t even look at the name Jesus without scrolling past it quickly. Oddly enough, I still believed in God, I still thanked Him every blue moon, and I still prayed for things I wanted. That’s about it.
With some years of adulting under my belt, I’m plagued with anxiety, fear, worry, and discontentment. After I had my third car accident, my anxiety was through the roof. I was fearful of driving. Every day these images would cloud my head of me getting hit by a commuter bus on the highway. I had to constantly look in my rearview mirror to make sure I didn’t get hit from the back. I was also surrounded by evil thoughts in my mind. Mostly to do with harming myself or others. “What is wrong with me?”, I would question. One faithful evening, I’m sitting in the living room with my laptop. I’m scrolling through YouTube and I keep finding video recommendations from faith-based channels. The titles were on the very things I was going through and had questions about. I clicked on a video called “How to Get Past Anxiety” by LeahsEssence and it struck my core. She mentioned that according to 2 Timothy 1:7 that
God did not give us a spirit of fear.
Then I begin to ask myself, “If God does not give us the spirit of fear, then why am I living everyday life-crippling with fear?” She says that the enemy aka the devil is seeking someone to devour by injecting into our mind thoughts of anxiety, fear, worry, hopelessness, doubt, the works. All of a sudden everything in life started to make more sense. It was like I received a missing puzzle piece. I started binge-watching YouTube videos about God, having faith, and other people’s testimonies about their walk. I was amazed. Although the Bible was written over 2000 years ago, stories that happened back then are almost parallel to what’s happening now. Everything clicking in my mind like 1-2-3. I bought a journal and started documenting my walk with Christ. I was spiritually growing. Old habits, bad thoughts, and urges started to break. I started looking in my rear-view mirror less. I had an actual relationship with God now.
I would be a bold-faced lie if I said I still do not struggle with depression, anxiety, doubt, and fear. Somedays I feel like it’s worse than ever before. The point of walking with God is acknowledging that I’m a hot mess who needs Him daily. The point of spiritual growth is continuously taking up your cross and remembering that these thoughts are not your own, to always retrieve His word, know that you are not the only one struggling, know that you are not forsaken by Him, and know that you loved.
Psalms 25: 4-5 Show me the right path, O Lord; point out the road for me to follow. Lead me by your truth and teach me, for you are the God who saves me. All day long I put my hope in you.
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