• Monique Renewed

Top 10 Marriage Advice for Young Women

If you watch shows like Married at First Sight, Love is Blind, or 90-day Fiancé, you know how captivating it can be when couples find the love of their life or how frustrating it can be when things do not work out.

I find myself yelling at the T.V. when something happens or making commentary so I thought why not make a post on My Top 10 Marriage Advice. I have been married for 5 years and have been with my spouse for 11 years.

There are many things I have learned on this journey that I think can help young women out there.

1. Marriage is Supposed to Make You a Better Person

I believe one of the main purposes God instituted marriage is for character development. There are certain things that your spouse can bring out of you like no one else can.

If your partner is always pointing out certain things about you such as you always nit-pick, you cause huge arguments over small things, you get very angry easily, or you shut down in the face of adversity, you can either go into super defense mode or you can self-reflect.

Are some of the things that your partner is complaining about you true? Have other people in your life told you about these things? If so, then now is the time to do some self-reflection and character development. This can be an opportunity to break some bad habits and better yourself as a person.

2. You are on the Same Team

It is true when they say marriage is a partnership.

I had to learn over time to stop fighting against my spouse and to work with him instead. I use to think it was unfair or unbalanced if I was stuck doing the same duties all the time that he may not do as much.

I have realized that he does many things that I do not do. For example, you may be upset with your spouse because you feel like he does not help out with cooking, but have you thought about the things he does that you do not do such as mowing the grass or taking out the trash?

Sometimes we think one-sidedly and do not put things into a bigger perspective. It takes a team to run a household. I had to learn to be content in my role and realize we are helping each other out.

3. Longevity is the Real Test of Marriage

God does not like divorce, in fact, He hates it (Malachi 2:16). Of course, there are certain exceptions that permit divorce but your spouse is supposed to be someone you do life with.

Human beings naturally desire someone to be with. When the initial infatuation fizzles out, can you stand the true test of time?

I have witnessed many times on these T.V. shows the contestants being so ready for marriage and so excited to be with their spouse for the very first time. Then after a while, those strong feelings die down and it is almost like regret sinks in.

Those strong feelings of infatuation will draw you to that person but they do not keep you with that person.

It is almost like they are addicted to the high of being in love and move on to the next person once those feelings go away. Marriage is for the long haul and will test every ounce of patience in you.

Are you willing to compromise, communicate, and give selflessly in order to make things work?

4. Your spouse is not psychic!

One day I went to my doctor's office for my annual visit. My husband and I got into an intense argument the night before. I had a baby some months ago and the lack of sleep was not working in my favor.

The doctor asked the usual questions about my health and how I was managing with a newborn. I gave her the typical "I'm fine" answers. Big mistake. She asked me if everything was okay and if there was something wrong.

I have never been the one to hide my emotions on my face. I am pretty easy to read. I started bursting into tears. The number one thing you cannot ask a sad person is "are you okay?"

She said, "I knew there was something wrong with you, you seem so nonchalant."

I started explaining to her how my husband and I got into an argument because I felt like he was not listening to my needs and I got tired of having to always repeat myself.

She gave me one of the best pieces of advice that has stuck with me.

She said, "Dear, your husband is not psychic!" That is how it is in a marriage. Men are not intuitive! You will have to keep telling him what you need and that is okay! As long as he does it, then there is nothing wrong. Men are not like women and they will not know to automatically do things all the time."

That is exactly how I felt. I felt like my husband should somehow just know when to do certain things and it annoyed me that he did not.

I am a feeler and intuitive but he is logical and practical. This plays back to "you both are on the same team."

It is okay if you are the more intuitive person and your husband is the more logical person.

Both of these strengths work well together for different situations. After my conversation with my doctor, I felt so much better and talked to my husband about it. He agreed and ever since my mindset has changed.

Your spouse will not always know what is on your mind and what you would like them to do in every situation. If they are willing to make things work each time, then that is okay!

Do not let high expectations set you up for failure.

5. It is okay not to be the same

This next piece of advice is an extension of the last one. You and your spouse do not have to be the same person.

I dare say it is even better when there are some differences. As I explained earlier, I am a very sensitive person that tends to feel things and I might go overboard and read too much into details.

My husband is very phlegmatic and realistic. He is the logic to my feelings and it works. These same traits cause us to butt heads because we sometimes do not see eye to eye. At the same time, this is what I love about him.

He teaches me to think more logically and I teach him to have more sensitivity.

Use your differences to balance out your relationship.

You do not have to feel bad if you and your spouse do not agree on everything. You both can show each other different ways to do certain things.

6. You have flaws too

It is easy to tear a person's character down and list out many things you find wrong with them.

What takes real maturity is taking accountability for your flaws and mistakes without going into super defense mode.

When someone attacks us, we immediately want to protect ourselves and give a million and one reasons to explain why we do things the way we do.

I will talk about all these things a person has done to offend me and sometimes God will hold a mirror towards me. I'm like wait a minute "what about them?" but the better question is "what about you?"

There is no perfect human on this earth.

When watching shows like Married and First Sight and Love is Blind, there were certain characteristics in me that I saw in other people on the screen. I asked myself "Yikes is this how I am really like?"

It was not a nice feeling to see how I can come across to other people or my spouse. Yes, your spouse may do something to annoy the living daylights out of you but is it always unprovoked?

Instead of focusing on fixing the other person learn how to fix yourself.

7. Do not hold grudges

The Bible states to not go to bed angry. I have to admit this can be a difficult thing to do.

If you get into a disagreement with your spouse, learn how to resolve it sooner rather than later. Do not let your anger fester over several days and turn into resentment.

If you choose to forgive that person, then forgive them wholeheartedly without throwing the very thing you forgave them for back in their face at a later time. It shows that you have not completely moved on.

Overcome any toxic means of retaliation. For example, my mode of retaliation tends to be the silent treatment. Over time, I had to learn how to talk through my issues and react with maturity.

8. Be honest

Do not lie to your spouse.

Your spouse is supposed to be your number one confidant who you can disclose anything to.

Do not create an environment of distrust by keeping secrets or not telling the truth or telling half-truths. Your spouse can usually tell when things are off even if they cannot put their finger on it.

Also, be honest with your feelings. Us girls love to say "nothing is wrong" when our significant other ask if everything is okay and then blow up later. This can make your husband feel like they are walking on eggshells with you.

Be honest with your feelings and create an open line of communication.

9. It is How You Say It

Obviously, what you say to your spouse matter but equally important is how you say it.

Nobody likes to be talked down on or yelled at.

Treat your partner how you would like to be treated as the Golden Rule that Jesus stated.

We adopt a lot of our communication styles from our childhood. If you grew up in a household with constant yelling, physical violence, and arguments, you may want to examine your own communication styles. You can bring that into your marriage and potentially ruin your relationship.

Your words and how you say your words can affect how your spouse feels.

10. You Need to Compromise

If you have been single for a while, then you are used to having things a certain way.

Once you are married you have to learn to assimilate your life with your partner's life.

That means compromising.

It is likely the two of you will have different ways of doing things and have to come together to meet in the middle.

Without compromise, one partner will feel as though their needs are not being met. It is important that you both come to an agreement when doing life together.